my mitvah for today

i thought today that i'd be a humanitarian to make up for the foul mood i've been in since i gave up junk food. for this reason, i'm providing you with a nice little trick that will make all sorts of situations less awkward. lets start with a few times to use this trick:

• when someone says something to you that you don't completely hear but you're embarrassed/ don't care enough to ask them to say it again
• when someone says something to you that you don't understand and you're too embarrassed/ don't care enough to ask for clarification
• when someone says something to you that makes you all sorts of uncomfortable

each of these situations have the potential to land you in a situation that can range anywhere from mild social discomfort to extreme awkwardness that's so bad it physically hurts. for this reason, i've developed a full proof method to keep you calm, cool and relaxed. it is called the smile and point and can be broken down into 3 simple but crucial steps.

1. smile. use no teeth, but be sincere. you don't want to look like you're mocking anyone but you also don't want to be the weird mute girl who maniacally smiles when soft spoken people talk to you
2. tilt your head. this one is easy. pick a side and tilt. i usually go right but you can do whatever you want.
3. point. with your index finger give point at the person who is whispering at you, talking as if he thinks you're a rocket scientist or is just plain creeping you out. now you can choose either pointer finger but the point is the crucial step. it needs to be abbreviated, subtle. it's not a point like you've just seen a fire but it still needs to show you mean business.

now i'm not saying that this is something that just anyone can pick up an use willy nilly. it takes practice. you need to pair the right smile with the right point in order to get the desired effect. once you master it you can even sub out the point for the pretend finger gun, but that's advanced stuff. to illustrate how well the smile and point works, i'll give you a real life example.

location: red bowl
date: i don't remember, but i think it was about a month ago
situation: creepy waiter

now i'm all for getting hit on, but what i'm not at all for is a waiter who is way too comfortable with interrupting your conversation with your friends to throw in creepy pick up lines like "jeans? you girls have got some good genes" when no one at the table is wearing jeans. womp womp. what do you do in this situation? the smile and point. it's nice enough that you don't get a side order of spit with your food, and with the perfect amount of assertion in the point, you show that you're a polite, no-nonsense girl who's about to dock a certain pick-up artist's tip if he doesn't chill with the shenanigans. everyone wins and you can go about having lunch in peace.

so the next time you find yourself floundering in one of the above situations, give the smile and point a try. you can thank me later.