don't call it a comeback

so i realize that i've taken a not so brief hiatus from writing this blog. don't worry. i'm alive. call off the search parties. i thought that in order to kick start my blogging, i'd cover a topic that i know very well. unfortunately, a little too well. the topic: lena dunham's boobs.

for those of you who don't know who lena dunham is, please come out from the rock you've been living under and join the world. girl(s) world.

according to google, "girls" is a tv show about a group of twenty-somethings living in new york city. conveniently, i am a twenty-something who lives in the general vicinity of new york city. therefore, i should be able to relate to the show, yes? no.

to illustrate this point, let's play a game of "never have i ever". ready lena? we'll play to 3, i understand that you're a busy girl.

never have i ever:

•  worn a mesh t-shirt with nothing (and i mean NOTHING) under it. put a finger down L-dog. maybe even 2 because not only did you do this, but you were also parading this gem of an outfit all over NYC.
• played topless ping pong. as if playing ping pong wasn't torture enough, you're now going to risk getting hit square in the naked boob by the ball and/or paddle. that just seems unwise to me. two fingers down na-na.
• deemed it appropriate to take a bath with one of my friends. now i understand that said friend was having a rough day (being a twenty-something is really the worst sometimes) HOWEVER, there are upwards of a million things i can think of doing to make my friends feel better when they're upset that don't include them getting a face full of boob. force feeding them ice cream for example. 

and that's game. now i understand in a real game of "never have i ever" both players get a turn. i can only imagine that lena could get me out on some cheap shot like "never have i ever worn a bra on two consecutive days" or something of that nature. never the less, i think i've made my point. it's time that lena takes the boatload of money that she's made to victoria's secret to get some support for her two best friends. after all, success is nothing if you have no one to share it with.

celebrity spotlight: cee lo green

last sunday marked a momentous occasion. no, not the superbowl. the return of "the voice". i'm going to be brutally honest in saying that the people who perform on "the voice" have mediocre singing voices (at best). why do i watch then? easy. the judges. blake shelton melts my heart, adam levine is the most beautiful man i've ever seen and xtina is a complete train wreck who is seconds away from a nip slip every single show. the most intriguing judge, however, is cee lo green. 

the more i observe cee lo green, the more i want to get to know the man behind the sparkles and feathers. for instance, the man looks to be about 4'7. how tall is he? cee lo green is obviously not his god given name. what is it? has he ever dated anyone? and most importantly, why on earth does that white cat magically appear on his lap during random segments on "the voice"? hopefully through some thorough google searching these questions can be answered. 

let's start with the basics. a cee lo green fact sheet if you will:
real name: Thomas DeCarlo Callaway
birthday: may 30, 1974 (i was really hoping he was born on  february 29th. i feel like that would be more fitting)
marital status: divorced. i guess he was too much man for her.
height: 5'6... who would have thought?!

while finding those tidbits, i also learned the following:

• he has a son named kingston and 2 stepdaughters, 1 of which was featured on MTV's "my supersweet 16". looks like the entire family has a face for TV
• he was a self proclaimed "goon" during his youth, but don't worry. he graduated to a self proclaimed "booty inspector" as he grew older.
• both of his parents were ordained ministers (and his mom was also a firefighter)
• he's been making music since i was 4. or since 1992... whichever you prefer
• he wears sunglasses all the time to complete his signature look of "lady killer"

now none of these fun facts have explained his mysterious cat. so, the most logical next place to check is twitter. in doing so, i found these gems:

• "I want some spicy popeye's"white meat" and Cajun rice and a strawberry drank...but I cant"
• "PARTY COCK IS IN THE HOUSSSE TONIIIGHT...ALL THE LADIES JUST HAVE A GOOD TIME"
• "I think I'm gonna grow my hair out"
• "My new nickname is..."LOllacoaster" 

the last one is my personal favorite. unfortunately still, no explanation of the cat. as a last ditch effort to solve the final mystery of the LOllacoaster, i specifically searched for the cat, and all i could find is that its name is purrfect and it has its own twitter. enough said i suppose.

if you've read all of this, i feel that congratulations are in order. you officially know everything you'd ever need to know and more about one of the most bizarre people to walk the face of this earth. well done.

I'm baaaack

So after a brief hiatus, I thought it was a good time to start this bad boy up again. What could possibly be a better way to jump back into a blog than with a rant? I can't think of a single one. Rather than this being a super angsty rant about something political and/or controversial, I've decided to compile a list of a few of my pet peeves. There's no need to offend anyone with my political views. In reality that means that there's no need for me to embarrass myself by exposing just how clueless I am to the world around me. LET THE FUN BEGIN!

Pet Peeve 1: Nothing makes my blood boil more than when I'm driving along in my main man Bennie (my 1999 Elantra), and someone decides to cut me off when there's no one behind me. Let me ask you a question considerate individual who cut me off. Do you have a death wish? My car is the same age as the average 6th grader and that's not a well kept secret judging by its appearance. You're putting a lot of faith in my brakes functioning at the drop of a hat. Rookie mistake. Furthermore, I'm from New Jersey. That can easily be evidenced on my license plates. My fellow New Jersians (New Jersey-ites?) are world renown for having unattractively horrendous tempers, especially when in cars. Why would you think it's a good idea to cut me off? I guess if my gutsy, lead footed friends decided to look long enough at my car to notice what it says on my license plate, they'd also have enough time to process the fact that no one is driving behind me, and could then make the more sensible choice to wait the 1.7 seconds it would take for me to pass them. That's not a choice for everyone though, especially those who drive with babies in the car and can pull in front of you at the speed of light but actually drive 15 miles under the speed limit. Those are my all time favorites.

Pet Peeve 2: Social media. Don't get me wrong, I love a good facebook stalking session, but I'm almost to the point where the things I dislike about social media outnumber the things I like. I don't understand why it's necessary to change facebook and twitter 4-5 times a week. I'm the first to admit that I'm a technological moron, but I'm pretty sure I'm not the only one who feels this way. By the time I get used to one version of facebook, Zuckerberg or whatever multibillionaire is in charge this week goes and changes it! Timeline? What on earth? No, I don't care to know how many people I creeped out by randomly friending them last month. I appreciate the offer though. What gets to me more than the ever changing formats of these sites, however, is the fact that they're all linked. Under what circumstance is it really necessary to post a facebook status, which is the same as your last tweet, which is the same as who even knows how many other sentence long summaries of your life shared via the internet. You bought new shoes today? NO WAY! I'm so glad that I got to read that 7 times in the last minute. When was the last time we actually spoke?

Pet Peeve 3: The word "literally." I'll admit that I'm an offender of this one, but not as bad as some people who literally say it every other sentence. I mean that. Every other sentence they voice has the word "literally" in it. Did they literally fall in love last night, or literally want to die they were so bored or literally eat everything in the house? I hope not. Digesting furniture can't be fun...

I think 3 is good for now. I wouldn't want to rile myself up too much on my first post back. The next time you witness one of these hellish acts, you can think of me, have a good giggle to yourself and try not to literally rip off someone's head.

my mitvah for today

i thought today that i'd be a humanitarian to make up for the foul mood i've been in since i gave up junk food. for this reason, i'm providing you with a nice little trick that will make all sorts of situations less awkward. lets start with a few times to use this trick:

• when someone says something to you that you don't completely hear but you're embarrassed/ don't care enough to ask them to say it again
• when someone says something to you that you don't understand and you're too embarrassed/ don't care enough to ask for clarification
• when someone says something to you that makes you all sorts of uncomfortable

each of these situations have the potential to land you in a situation that can range anywhere from mild social discomfort to extreme awkwardness that's so bad it physically hurts. for this reason, i've developed a full proof method to keep you calm, cool and relaxed. it is called the smile and point and can be broken down into 3 simple but crucial steps.

1. smile. use no teeth, but be sincere. you don't want to look like you're mocking anyone but you also don't want to be the weird mute girl who maniacally smiles when soft spoken people talk to you
2. tilt your head. this one is easy. pick a side and tilt. i usually go right but you can do whatever you want.
3. point. with your index finger give point at the person who is whispering at you, talking as if he thinks you're a rocket scientist or is just plain creeping you out. now you can choose either pointer finger but the point is the crucial step. it needs to be abbreviated, subtle. it's not a point like you've just seen a fire but it still needs to show you mean business.

now i'm not saying that this is something that just anyone can pick up an use willy nilly. it takes practice. you need to pair the right smile with the right point in order to get the desired effect. once you master it you can even sub out the point for the pretend finger gun, but that's advanced stuff. to illustrate how well the smile and point works, i'll give you a real life example.

location: red bowl
date: i don't remember, but i think it was about a month ago
situation: creepy waiter

now i'm all for getting hit on, but what i'm not at all for is a waiter who is way too comfortable with interrupting your conversation with your friends to throw in creepy pick up lines like "jeans? you girls have got some good genes" when no one at the table is wearing jeans. womp womp. what do you do in this situation? the smile and point. it's nice enough that you don't get a side order of spit with your food, and with the perfect amount of assertion in the point, you show that you're a polite, no-nonsense girl who's about to dock a certain pick-up artist's tip if he doesn't chill with the shenanigans. everyone wins and you can go about having lunch in peace.

so the next time you find yourself floundering in one of the above situations, give the smile and point a try. you can thank me later.

challenge accepted!

while sitting on the couch watching "i used to be fat" i realized that within the past day i've eaten a bag of doritos (granted a small one), a cupcake, and probably 300 mini candies. while i could say these aren't typical eating habits, i don't want to lie to my devoted followers. that just wouldn't be right. so when i found this picture on pintrest, i decided that maybe it was a sign.

 

now, i understand that some of these rules will be much easier to complete than others (what girl eats white bread? i'm pretty sure it's ingrained in our dna that white bread=poison). but seeing as i just invested in a giant bag of candy, i'm not going to say this is going to be a cake walk. i'm obviously not about to turn this blog into a progress tracker, but i'll tell you now that if my posts become a bit cranky, i blame the lack of every food i love the most. halloween is gunna be fun this year. let me tell you. let the countdown to november 2nd begin!!!

are you there blackberry? it's me, molly

october 6th used to be a day i remembered fondly, one that i looked forward to all year, my birthday. now, it will be remembered as the day that i made a terrible mistake. i'd rank the mistake somewhere between the time i died my hair "soft black" and was surprised it turned out black (duh) and the time i let someone who worked at my college dining hall pierce my ears. on october 6, 2011, i got a new blackberry.
i am now on a first name basis with 4 verizon workers from 2 different store locations. now, i'm all for making new friends, but when the basis of our friendship is "buy this phone, i promise it'll be much better than your old at&t one", "oh it should work with this new battery" and "nothing is wrong with your phone, verizon is having a service outage," i think i'll cut my losses. i will admit that my new phone is very nice. it's shiny, the internet is super fast, it has fun games, but all of those features (aside from the shiny) are completely lost on me because of one crucial flaw. IT DOESN'T TURN ON. now rather than going into the verizon store dripping with sarcasm and contempt, i decided instead to make my unfortunate life experience into an illustrative lesson to the phrase "if it ain't broke, don't fix it." my old blackberry, which has lost all of it's shine since its debut back in 2009, still made calls, texted, and most importantly, TURNED ON. i'd trade shine for function any day of the week. so grab your working cell phones and call a friend you haven't spoken to in a while. just don't call me. i won't answer.... because i can't.

my economic stimulus plan

as a finance student (and a person who doesn't live under a rock) i am aware that the economy of america isn't exactly booming. if obama would be a doll and follow my stimulus plan, however, we'd be in tip top shape. my plan is a simple and surefire way to alleviate the unemployment drama we're face deep in. to illustrate the implementation of my plan, take a look the state that is so lovingly deemed the "armpit of america" which coincidentally is the place where i was born and raised. new jersey.

aside from the diners, beautiful beaches, unique style decisions and overly aggressive drivers, there is one thing that sets new jersey aside from the rest of the united states: the fact that in new jersey we pump our fists, not our gas. in my economic stimulus plan, there would be no self-service gas stations in america. think of how many gas stations there are in america. i tried to google this number, but apparently it's a question that is asked to test how good people are at estimating during interviews, so it's surprisingly hard to find. the best estimate i found is approximately 250,000. out of these 250,000 approximately 7000 of those are in new jersey. this means that there are around 243,000 self service gas stations in america.

now, there are supposedly between 9 and 10 million people in america who are unemployed. if we take the halfway point of this number (9.5 million for those math-phobes out there), that means that if each gas station hired 39 people, there would be no unemployment. this is definitely unattainable because i doubt that every gas station in america can create 39 jobs, however, even if each gas station hired 4 employees, the number of unemployed americans would go down 10%. i realize that this is an idealized scenario because it relies on the fact that people will want to work at gas stations and that the salaries they are paid are enough to keep them living above the poverty line, however, i think that it's worth a shot. it can't hurt right?

furthermore, once the rest of america wakes up and smells the petroleum, they'll realize how the luxury of the full service gas station makes driving a more enjoyable experience (regardless of gas prices). thus people will drive more, which means they will spend more on gas, once again boosting the economy. that, my friends is my solution to the current economic train wreck.

now that you've read this post, i think it's probably smart for me to attach a few disclaimers. first, my knowledge of the economy is not exactly that of ben bernacke (even though i do know who ben bernacke is). second, i'm only 86% sure i know what the word "stimulus" means. lastly, all of the numbers in this post are from google and most of them are from other blogs, so they might be a smidgen bit off. aside from those, this post is very credible. at least i think it is. so get in your car, refrain the urge to pump your own gas, and let's save the economy... one disgruntled gas station worker at a time.